New Beginnings

I started this blog sometime in 2009. It was in an effort to create community in the database space around good design, preventive practices, and a data driven approach to maintenance and performance tuning. That career ended in May 2021, but there are many threads of that life that continue on -- namely a desire to show up authentically and never stop learning.

This is first post I have written since giving up a 38 year IT career. I consider having started that career with an co-op internship at IBM in Fishkill, NY that started in June 1985. I was a junior in college at the University of Arizona at the time and took six months off to get some needed professional experience prior to graduating. The decision to take that internship was life changing in so many ways and will be the subject of future post. 

Giving up something that I had been doing for that long was and is still a shock to the system -- a shock that I was not prepared for. What next? I had some vague ambitions regarding wanting to become a sailing instructor that are coming to fruition much faster than I thought (topic of another future post). Various versions of "who am I" rattle inside my head frequently and at random times (like at 3:00am when I started writing this post):

• I want to create but don't know how.
• I thought I had community but it was all at work. Now I am isolated and do not know how to create community outside of work.
• I thought I was important but the world did not fall apart when I left my job.
• Where is my worth and from where do I generate meaning if I am not working?

Work provided some measure of stability in my life and when I quit, the grasping for meaning became frantic to the point where it contributed greatly to the demise of my existing partner relationship. To be fair the underpinnings of the relationship were not healthy in the first place and I'm telling myself a story that it was better to end things now than in 20 years. I still do not have clarity regarding how much of that is truth versus a rationalization to continue avoiding difficult issues.

What I do know is that listening to Brene Brown and reading some of her books has been inspiring and brought me back to writing this blog post. There are other mentors -- Terry Real, Ester Perel -- that have been great inspirations of late but they have not brought me to the point of writing until recently.

So I will start with a poem that Brene quotes, one which dramatically changed the direction of her life and research. It had an impact on me and time will tell how much of a shift it makes in my life: 

The Man in The Arena 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." 

--Theodore Roosevelt (https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/63389/roosevelts-man-arena)

This poem impacted Brene in several ways and it provoked many of the same thoughts in my mind.

First it reminds me that at age 59, I am not done yet. I still want to create, to have an impact, to have meaningful relationships, to love and be loved. I exited a career because I was tired. I made a living in IT, but I did not achieve what I wanted to achieve and at the same time intimate relationships fell apart. It inspired Brene to a greatness in her field (and also personally with her husband and family) that has benefited so many, including me. I don't claim her talent or brilliance but it does motivates me to retool, and try again personally and professionally.

Second, it highlights that to jump in the ring at all means your are going to get your ass kicked. In my case much of getting beat up has been self imposed by being impetuous, showing up unprepared, thinking that raw enthusiasm would be enough. Grit, initiative, resilience, and courage are certainly important but so is preparation, training, and attention to detail. On the flip side, there have also been periods of over preparation, where I let perfection be the enemy of good, and I remained motionless. I have had my blind spots and still do -- they have led to stagnation where I thought I was moving and vice versa.

Brene also points out in her books that there are two kinds of courage. We all know about the kind required to slay the dragon -- that's what it means to be a man in our society. But there is another kind of courage that befriends the dragon, a willingness to be vulnerable. As scary as that sounds, I hope to go there in my writings.

Finally, jumping in the arena necessitates learning how to better establish boundaries. When one jumps in the arena there will always be critics. The boundary that Brene sets is to only accept feedback and critique from those also in the arena. I have limited skill in this regard -- but now I have a reason to learn.

At the core of this coming out for me, is something I have heard Brene Brown say over and over again in her talks and writings. It is about the willingness to be vulnerable and talk about shame. Those are the bedrocks and foundations to things that people and organizations really want -- creativity, innovation, change, a sense of belonging, community, love, connection. I have a lot of be proud of in my life. But I also have plenty to be ashamed about and am willing to be vulnerable and share it. Without telling that story, I starve myself of the things I want in life and foster isolation and lost connection. We do this as a society and I want to do my part to turn the tide on that pattern. I want those things, those skills, more than I am scared of being vulnerable in this phase of life. In sharing those stories, I hope to build community in my circle of influence. As others hear my story, I would hope to inspire them to share their stories and so influence their community.